Happy First Un-Mother's Day to Me

Happy First Un-Mother’s Day to me.  Can you believe it’s been an entire year since I sat in the hospital and took the picture for my Facebook page to share with you how my life was changing?  You cried with me, sent words of encouragement and showered me with hugs and love.  You’ve read my posts about the sadness and anger, the myriad of emotions I’ve dealt with on this roller coaster over the past year.  And for that, I’ll be forever grateful. 

This week has been an emotional disaster.  I’ve fought exhaustion after an epic week at RT with some of my favorite people.  My anxiety is higher than it’s been in months, and all I’ve wanted to do is hide.  But life goes on and peopling is part of life.  So, I pulled up my big girl panties and accomplished what I needed to do.  Though if you saw me, you probably recognized the designer bags under my eyes and the lack of makeup. 

It wasn’t until I checked the calendar that it hit me.  My subconscious was speaking to me.  Without words, it pushed me to find my way in order to celebrate this weekend. 

Mother’s Day. 
Un-Mother’s Day, to me.

Last year, I sat in the pew between my parents at their church and sobbed.  All my Mom wanted was for me to go to church with her, and I reluctantly agreed.  But a sermon celebrating mothers, surrounded by families with little children in their Sunday best, broke me.  My heart couldn’t handle it.  Thankfully, I have amazing parents who recognized my grief and we left early. 

This year I’m not doing much.  Mom will receive flowers and a phone call.  She knows I love her, but it’s different for me now.  All year I’ve heard from people that I can still be a Mom and there is an element of truth to that.  I can adopt, or be a step-mother to another woman’s child.

But I can’t physically bear children.  I can’t have my own.  I’ll never know what it’s like to feel the first flutter of movement in my body.  I’ll never have the flesh and blood connection to a child. 

This doesn’t mean that I don’t have an amazing life, because I do.  It just means that my dreams have had to change.  God had a plan for my life and carrying a child wasn’t it.  Some days it hurts more than others, and this is one of those days. 

If you meet a childless woman, be kind to her. Don’t ask her why she doesn’t have a family yet.  Please don’t suggest solutions if she shares her story with you. I promise you, she’s probably thought about them all at least once.

She may not want children of her own. She may want to be a super fly Aunt, but then again, she may want it all.  She may be struggling with infertility, or may have had a health issue that doesn’t allow her to have children.  She may smile through the pain of heartbreak, but that doesn’t mean she won’t feel it.  Each and every word is deeply felt, this I can assure you.

This weekend we celebrate Mom’s everywhere.  Do that. Spend time with your mom, and all the mom’s in your life.  Thank them and hug them for everything they do.  But be cognizant of those who aren’t celebrating or seem withdrawn at celebrations.  Maybe they’re quietly suffering and just need a smile or a hug. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all who have children and Happy First Un-Mother’s Day to me.  I’ll be celebrating in my own way, because it’s part of my healing process.