Dear Life...

Dear Life - 

I promised Meghan I would write you this letter when I finished reading and I keep my word, even if it means I cry in the airport while writing this.  Dear Life gutted me and then provided the best platform to put me back together.  Healing.  Dear Life helped me to heal.  That doesn’t mean that I didn’t cry (actually sob) multiple times, laugh so hard I snorted so loud I woke up my seat mate on the plane and then cried more.  But my heart, it feels full.  And my head, it knows that I’ve learned a lesson here — ‘prove your existence’ is more than a saying, it will be added to my mantra list.  

Be Brave.  
Do Scary Things.  
Trust the Journey.  
Prove Your Existence.  

My whole life I’ve heard that cats have nine lives.  I think that people have multiple lives also.  I know I have.  I had the small town life, college life, my first career life and my first life learning to be me.  All of those things lead me down the path that has helped me to land where I am today.  But life, sometimes I’m angry with you.  I’m angry because I’m forced to make hard decision(s), including a decision that I thought was best for me.  A decision that even though was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, helped me find my way here.  

On May 21, 2014, I accepted a transfer with my job to Chicago.  The Windy City was supposed to provide me with so many new experiences that would forever shape me to be a better human and to the next phase in my career.  

What actually happened is the decision broke me.  Chicago broke the hell out of me.  But often I was asked if I had it to do over would I still do it, and the answer is a resounding yes.  Chicago wasn’t rock bottom for me, but it was close.  I hated life, work and I couldn’t imagine what my purpose was.  And then I took my first leap of faith and practiced the ‘be brave’ motto and applied for a new job.  I was both shocked and ecstatic when I got the job.  One more cross country move and I was back in Texas with friends and family… and less taxes.  

Rock bottom came when I had a hysterectomy in May 2016.  How does a woman who dreams of a life of love which includes a husband and children deal with a procedure like that without having a husband or even a significant other in their life?  They don’t.  They hide out in their house, their mind and try to find their purpose.  It took months of trying to fake it until I made it.  

There are days I’m still angry.  Days when I see a woman with a newborn baby that I have to hide out in a bathroom stall to cry.  Days when I want to knock someone out with a chair to say just adopt.  

My head knows that each and every person who tells me this only wants to help and this is the only way they know how.  But it hurts so much that I can’t respond without being angry so I just don’t respond.  

Life - this hasn’t changed my desire or need for love from a significant other.  I have found through the last yearhow much I’m loved.  Friends, family and even strangers have shown me love in the most epic ways.  They are the reason I’m off the couch and trying to live again.  But know, I haven’t given up on my dreams of love.  

When I chose my word ‘fearless’ for this year, it’s because I wanted to live a life filled with more LIVING than a life of fear.  And I am working each day to do that.  

Thank you to Meghan, Hollyn, Jace, Daisy and Carter for sharing their story.  I can’t imagine a day when I will forget you all.  

Dear Life — Let’s do this!