The Beginning of After


I’ve sat down to write this post on a couple of occasions and after trying to force it, I decided to walk away each time.  I think I can finally get the words I want to say on the page.  Here’s to hoping. 

About six months ago life changed.  My body changed.  I changed.  And then reality hit me.  Life changes.  Whether we want it to or not, that’s what life is.  A series of changes where we grow and experience new things.  This is part of our journey.  A journey that makes us unique. 

When I chose the word ‘love’ for my word of the year, I was dreaming of real, tangible love from a man.  Someone who would share the ups and downs of life with me, who would hold me close when the times were tough, who I could provide comfort to in his times of stress, because that’s what I need, crave and desire.  But that isn’t what life provided me.  It provided so much more in the way of love. 

Before surgery I was focused on finding that man who I could and would be able to do all of those things with.  After surgery I was lost in a vortex of insanity and insecurity.  I looked the same on the outside other than a couple battle wounds and a bit of extra weight.  But inside I was broken, damaged and lost.  My mind couldn’t understand the why’s or how’s this could happen to me.  My heart told me how fortunate I was that I was alive and didn’t have cancer. 

The reality is that both my body, mind and soul were at war with each other.  This was partly due to the lack of hormones, and partly because I didn’t make an effort to talk to anyone prior to surgery.  I should not have assumed it would be easy and made an effort to talk to a therapist and counselor prior to the surgery.  I now wonder why this isn’t recommended by physicians?  Hmmmm.  Back to the what I really want to say. 

After the hysterectomy the love came gushing out like a geyser from the earth! From family, friends, authors, bloggers, readers and so much more.  From people I’d only met online, to people I’ve encountered only once in a blue moon, to my family and best friends.  They provided jokes, food, love, kind words, and things I don’t even know or remember.  They laughed with me and cried with me, and even let me be when that’s what I needed too. 

No one judged me when I chopped off my hair or colored it pink.  They didn’t give up on me when I ignored my phone, the computer or the world.  Instead, the people I love took extra effort in trying to coax me out of the dark world I’d created, because I didn’t know how to move forward.  They encouraged me to exercise (because I love it and it’s my life blood) and to eat less cupcakes and drink more water. 

They know that blogging, writing, reading, and creating is what sets my soul on fire.  That being creative keeps me moving when the day to day can get to us.  Mostly, they believed in me, and knew I’d be okay and maybe even better, after what I saw as a horrible and life altering, change. 

It’s been a little over six months now.  Life is different. But if it wasn’t, it would mean I hadn’t changed and I was stuck in the same place.  That’s not what life is about.  At least that’s not what MY LIFE is about.  My life is about change.  Does that mean I don’t fight it?  Nope.  I probably fight it more often than I should, considering I’m the one forcing all the changes. 

Looking back, this enormous change allowed me to realize love isn’t just what a woman gets from a man, it’s so much more.  And that I’m thankful for. 

Love is…

Fresh Air and sunshine after a long dark night.
Chatting with my girlfriends.
Laughing so hard I wheeze.
Listening to my favorite song on repeat.
Dancing in the kitchen.
Reading a book that moves my soul. 
Finding the perfect couch that is nothing like I thought. 
Embracing myself. 
A cupcake. 
Time with friends. 
An ice cold glass of water on a steamy hot day.
Walking through nature. 
Absorbing the sights, sounds, and beauty around us.

So, it’s time to move on with the love that has surrounded me.  While ‘love’ was my word for 2016, ‘fearless’ is my word for 2017.  I want to take the magic and love I’ve been focusing on the last couple years and be fearless.  I have so many hopes and dreams that I want to turn into goals and achievements.  In order to do that I need to put the fear behind me and work to become fearless. 

What are you doing in 2017 to change your life?  
Are you opening your heart and mind to love?  
Are you hoping to follow your dreams?  
Are  you trying to accomplish your goals?  
What is your word of the year?