Today has been a hard day on social media. It seems as though everyone is posting pictures of their babies and children. My heart cracks open a little bit more with each one I see. I’m trying to understand if it’s because I yearn for a child or if it’s just because of the loss of what I ‘thought’ I wanted. I can’t help but be frustrated with myself. You see, I have an amazing life. I have a great job, travel, have amazing friends and the ability to do so many things without thinking about child care or making arrangements to take care of others before I go. Well, other than my plants that I'm sad to say, aren’t making it very well.
I pray for those women and their families, because I don’t know if they’ve struggled to have that child or if the child was an unexpected surprise. But I do know that in most of the photos I’ve seen the parents seem thankful, grateful and happy, even if a bit harried. Because, that’s life.
I’m struck with unspeakable sadness when I see a child abused or even worse, injected with Heroin, by a parent that is supposed to love it, care for it and raise it. That my friends, isn’t a good human, much less a good parent. Those are the types of parents that I want to scream and shout at. To tell them that I would have taken their child and raised it with no questions. Because I can’t have a child. Physically my body doesn’t work in that way. So when I see a woman who’s had a child that she doesn’t take care of my soul starts screaming.
Maybe one day the hurt will be a little less when I see the pictures that my friends post of their babies but it will never hurt less to see children who suffer abuse at the hands of those who are supposed to be their caretakers and cheerleaders. These people are below the scum of the earth and it breaks a little piece of me off each time.
I don’t know what my future holds, but I’m really working hard to trust in the journey that God has me on, and to support my friends and family, even if from afar. Because sometimes as much as I love both you and your children, it hurts so much, it envelopes me and sucks me in so deeply that I can’t speak about it, or be around you. I don’t love you or yours any less, I’m just trying to deal with what comes next.
To my friends with children who have allowed me into your lives and homes, thank you. I've cherished all of the time with you all. Just because I've stepped back to take care of myself during this process doesn't mean my love or support waivers. I can imagine that if you have other friends who are experiencing some of the same things or challenges that I've faced, they may feel the same way. The love doesn't leave or change, it's just how we align our hearts and our heads to deal with the ache we feel inside.