Hiding in Plain Sight
Hiding in plain sight is exhausting. My bones ache, my mind is reeling and my focus is gone. Losing focus makes me a liability. I’m scared, alone and broken. Either I dig deep or I give up and quit. Until now, I’ve never thought of quitting as an option. Looking around at this place I call home, I wonder who I am and how I got here. I’ve been called a variety of names. Some of them I can identify with and some even included parts of the real me. There there are the ones that I transformed into for the sake of survival. Surviving the life I’d built for myself. The only thing I couldn't change about me was my amazonian, long legs. My gams made me stand out on so many occasions and that’s also how I learned to hide in plain sight.
I had a co- worker tell me one time that no one would suspect me of anything nefarious because I was well dressed and happy. I took it as a compliment. I guess on one hand it was, but in reality I wanted to be anyone but the person he saw standing in front of him. I wanted to be cool, hip, funny, really I just wanted to be me. But who was I?
For years after college I had an amazing career. One that brought me to where I am now. I’m thankful for the travels, the friendships I made along the way and so much more. But as with every career there are pitfalls. When you take serious person, provide them with rules and regulations to work under, constraints of a life with these rules and regulations begins to take shape.
At an impressionable age of twenty three, I had no real idea of what this meant for me. I worked hard in college for my dream job, or what I thought my dream job was. I graduated and applied and made the cut. I got the job. I dreamed of big city life and it was so much more that I could have really dreamed of. Expensive. Restaurants on every corner. Friends, new faces and places to meet people. The world was my oyster or was it? Check out gullible in the dictionary — you’re likely to find my face.
For twelve years I lived under the constraints of the job. Instead of developing my identity in relation to my career, my career became my identity. When people asked who I was, I began to lead with my title. Honestly, that’s kind of a douche’y move, but I didn’t know who I was. I was single, moving all over the country. Loving and leaving friends in my wake and that really wasn't any way to live.
I had my first home and I was attempting to find my place. Dating was a challenge because at my age, I had no idea what I wanted in a mate only what wouldn’t work for me. Negative, maybe, but after many years observing people, there were certain traits that just were deal breakers for me. Years of set ups, on line dating and more, my friend dubbed me “the queen of first dates.” I laughed really hard and then realized that title though true, kind of sucked. Time to attempt a change.
Most of my co-workers only knew the “me” I allowed them to see. The hard ass, get the work done at all costs chick. I worked in a male dominated field and if I wanted to be taken seriously, I needed to work twice as hard, look twice as nice and keep a smile on my face all while doing these things. It’s not easy but it’s real, or it was in my world.
The real me had hobbies and a life outside of the office. It wasn’t well known and when my personal life started to show itself, there was hell to pay. But I wanted to be me… whoever me was and would be.
In the last five months, since I turned in my notice I’ve opened myself up to allowing my personality to shine. My bio on this site tells you about the things I like… reading, cooking, coffee, football (especially JJ Watt and the Texans), Mexican food, margarita’s, a good Dark & Stormy, Fall, apple picking and more. But those are just things.
I’ve found that I’m happier than I can ever remember being. Yes, I’m learning to live a totally different way and that itself can be a bit unsettling. But it’s also amazing and freeing. I’ve learned that I’m a giver. I love to do things to help others and make them feel good about themselves. I’m absolutely blonde. Not just my hair. But in my thoughts. Laughing at myself when I do something silly make me feel good. Laughing is good for the soul and I have done more laughing in the last two months than I can remember doing in years.
This job allows me to experience new places, people and things. The ability to learn that there are other ways of doing the same thing and visiting places never in my wildest dreams thought I’d experience. The individuals I’m meeting along the way are becoming part of my journey and it’s exhilarating what can happen when we open ourselves up to the new and uncharted.
Outside of work I’m following my passions in the book world. I’m reading, blogging, writing, sharing and connecting with so many authors, bloggers, readers and more. These individuals have only enhanced my life and I know that will continue. What we project is what we get back. I wish to interact with active, positive people and thankfully those people have become part of my life in spades. For this, I’ll forever be grateful.
Love is my word for this year and with all of these insanely exciting opportunities in my life, I’m learning each day to love myself just a little bit more. With everything else in life, it’s an evolution. But I’ll get there and you will too. Find a friend or a partner you can chat with, who builds you up. I have friends both in real life and online who support me each day when I need it. They understand my struggles and I understand theirs. Together we are a team of love building each other up when we need it.
Are you hiding in plain sight? Do you know who you are and who you want to be? Let your personality shine in all that you do. You’ll feel so wonderful once you let loose and just be you.
#trustthejourney #bebrave #doscarythings