Flying is hard work...
When I jumped off the cliff to find my wings, I didn't think, I just did Now I'm flapping as hard as I can... and this is my realization.
I want to talk about this awful word. Yes, it’s awful because it’s how I have been feeling the last couple of weeks. No one tells you when you make HUGE life changes that a myriad of emotions come with it. That smiling through the hard times is okay, but some days I want to curl up in a ball and just cry. Those days have thankfully been few and far between, but I’m trying not to indulge in them.
If I indulge in those feelings, then I allow the feelings of inadequacy to take over. At least in my mind that’s what happens.
I QUIT. Yep, I did. I walked into my bosses office on a Tuesday, after a holiday and said “you may want to sit down,” and told him I quit. First he laughed, then he asked if he was on Punked, then a whole host of other things and we finally got down to business.
What the hell had I just done? I quit my job! After eleven years, and eleven months I quit. Who does that?
Me. I did that. Now the question everyone has been asking… WHY? Truthfully it isn’t anyones business WHY, but I will tell you. Change. I changed and the job didn’t. Change is a natural process in life and whether we recognize it or not we are all growing and changing every day. It’s obvious in children and the elderly how the changes are happening. But when we are middle aged (yes I called myself middle aged) we don’t notice them as much. That is until Facebook oh so politely shows me the “look back” and I realize, ‘oh shit,’ that was six years ago, not last week.
My job was a good one. I made amazing friends that I will hold dear in my heart and they will travel with me wherever I go. But I changed. With the nature of the business, the job didn’t. I have dreams, desires, adventures I want to take and fulfill. I felt stifled at my job. Like I was being held prisoner in my own body and mind. So, I broke out of my shell and found another one. When I did, I quit.
Was it easy? HELL NO!! Was it scary? HELL NO! Was it liberating? HELL YES!!! Overall, I don’t remember being scared. I remember floating through the air, wondering what was going on and where would I land on the other side? Was it going to be perfect? HELL NO! Would it be worth it? HELL YES!
Then I told myself, Heather, you’ve got this. You have a plan! Work your plan! Trust the journey! And I do. Most days. Then there are the days, I feel wholly inadequate because after eleven years and eleven months I was confident in my job. I knew how to do it and what to do. I didn’t second guess my decisions, I made them without fear and knew that I was making them with the best amount of knowledge and support from my team I could. These days, I’m a work in progress. I’m the new kid on the block. It’s scary as hell. I’m still learning. All parts of my life are in a spinning vortex and I pray the house that's falling doesn’t land on me!
But I’m a survivor. I don’t have to be perfect anymore. I just need to live my life honestly and in a way so I can reach for my dreams and enjoy the amazing adventures coming my way!